He was sentenced, it’s just that his sentence was … nothing. Which of course is a totally appropriate penalty for a fucking felony.

“My computer recently crashed and I’ve lost all my friends’ email addresses.”

The teacher immediately said “OK no more questions” and that was that. Sorry, I wish this story had a better punchline.

For the record yes, napalm does still stick to kids.

Fucking Paul Revere was just trying to sell silverware.

I’m a school bus driver and I attended a meeting of my local school board a few months ago. I was totally surprised when they kicked it off with the pledge of allegiance. I hadn’t done it since middle school and I couldn’t even remember which hand you’re supposed to put over your heart.

It’s fucked up. I would proudly pledge allegiance to the fucking Constitution instead.

I was in high school in the '80s. One day in history class we had a military recruiter come speak to us. After he was done the speaker said “any questions?” My buddy Rob raised his hand and said “yeah, I have a question: does napalm still stick to kids?” I’m still proud of Rob for that one.

That was a typo. It was supposed to be “with liberty and all for just us.”

Concealed Cat Carry

I’m a school bus driver and one of my kids spent all of last year yelling that in the back of the bus. My job would be so much better if we were just permitted to use duct tape.

I need a tattoo that says “THIS TATTOO COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL”.

Grok didn’t kill itself.

Fun fact: Hitler’s actual plan when he invaded Poland was to reproduce the trench war stalemate of WWI on the Western front. He knew that in that war, about 2.5 million German soldiers had been able to stymie more than 4 million French and British troops while the remainder of the German army pillaged Russian territories. This is why during the Winter of '39/'40 he devoted almost half of German productive capacity to making artillery shells that mostly ended up not being used until the later invasion of the USSR. His biggest success of the war was the blitzkrieg of France, and it was absolute blind luck (mixed with French ineptitude and lack of preparation) that it ended up going the way it did.

I just realized Ike was our last (openly) bald President.

make people love even the filthiest of things

This is why Karl Rove’s nickname was “turd blossom”.

Don’t forget the bridge-residing trolls, splitter!

At this point, even if we just get the same shit from a different asshole (which we would), I’d be happy to see conservatives turn on trump. It would just be so satisfying.

Fun fact: that event (Hitler’s 1934 purge of Ernst Roehm and the brownshirts) got the name “Night of the Long Knives” because Hitler used the expression (which dates to the middle ages) in a subsequent speech to describe what he alleged Roehm had been planning against Hitler and the Nazi leadership. Unexpectedly, journalists and historians used the expression to label Hitler’s actions.

an election that at this point doesn’t matter either way

It distracts from the one before it and the one after it.

Everybody have fun tonight …

Don’t leave Fetterman out of your list. He castigated his fellow Democrats for daring to call Trump a convicted felon, saying we’re supposed to be the party of “forgiveness and redemption”.