Could they do the thing that airports do with geese, where they get a Labrador to run around and bark at the birds and the birds say, “Ehh… fuck this area” and leave of their own accord?

I assumed that it meant “toast.”

As a baby, my kid had cheeks that would visibly jiggle when we wheeled her stroller down a bumpy driveway.

We would sing a song about her: Fat fat, baby fat-fat. Fatty baby fatty baby, fatty fat-fat. Fatty fat cheeks! Baby fat cheeks! Baby fat, baby fat, fatty fat fat.

She didn’t seem to mind.

Literally this

Teddy would never.

What the fuck is wrong with kids listening to their shitty parents?

/I know a lot of people get raised wrong in households that teach them wrong things and it takes a lot of effort to get better, but… it’s pretty astounding to me to imagine someone listening to their parents tell them that Donald fucking Trump is a Cool Guy.

Wanting TWO MIDGETS SHITTING INTO A BUCKET to have A BIGGER, BLACKER DICK is woke.

Don’t forget to make the working conditions inhumane and unsafe for the workers building the place! That could probably shave off a few hours, too!

13 year old: “I’ll just take the death penalty, thanks."

The cholla cactus:

I’m so fucking sick of people complaining about what the Democrats should have done years ago when the Republicans have been actively disassembling this country for my entire adult life, and are really getting down to the “rip out the wiring and sell it for scrap copper” phase.

Gotta efficiently operationalize that strategy.

"The number is 40 percent within weeks. Do not contradict the president.”

These ghouls can’t be trusted with reality.

How long have you been working here? Okay. You like working here? Okay.

Knairobi

How many college educations could have been fully funded for $3 billion? How many elementary schools built? How many other worthwhile problems could have been solved, rather than building a bunch of worthless crumbling garbage out in the desert?

Tom Lehrer is a goddamn national treasure.